


heather (kris is editing)

by akaqshii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji & Kozume Kenma Friendship, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Depression, Drunken Confessions, Fanfiction, First Love, Intrusive Thoughts, Love Confessions, M/M, My First AO3 Post, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Spain Without the S, Time Skips, Unrequited Love, akaashi keiji being sad, i'm so sorry bby
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:02:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25598515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaqshii/pseuds/akaqshii
Summary: After Akaashi's messy confession at Bokuto's wedding, he runs away, the two splitting apart. What'll happen when they reunite again?A story in which the writer wanted Bokuaka, but make it ~sad spicy~
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	1. Bride

**Author's Note:**

> hi! I'm shii/kris, and this is my first work on Ao3! 
> 
> Sorry if things are messy, as I still have to get accustomed to how this site works. This work will also be available on Wattpad under the user @/akaqshii as well-so if I seem to mess up publishing it here you can check it out over there.
> 
> This song is inspired by the song 'Heather' by Conan Gray (hence the title) and the prologue is the scene I wrote while listening to it, so I thought I'd extend it into a book. (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is supposed to be the prologue but Ao3 doesn't believe in those so 

As Bokuto walked down the aisle, Akaashi stared in awe.

He was beautiful.

Akaashi’s beloved star.

Bokuto’s suit was tailored to fit like a glove—and hell, it sure did its job. He smiled as he walked down, and everyone’s eyes were on him. 

Akaashi was sure Bokuto was thriving in the undivided attention. It’s a big day, after all.

Their eyes met and Bokuto beamed. Akaashi gave him a small smile, a toothy grin given in return. When he stepped on the platform, he took in a deep breath. Akaashi was sure Bokuto was nervous, and he wouldn’t blame him. When Bokuto released his breath, he turned his back.

Akaashi’s stomach swelled and he internally sighed.  _ I need to calm down. _

A moment passed, and Bokuto turned his head towards Akaashi again. Maybe his nerves were getting in his head, whose wouldn’t? 

Akaashi was nervous too—though maybe for a different reason.

When their eyes met, Bokuto’s eyes widened. Before Akaashi had noticed, a single tear had fallen from his eye, now cascading down his cheek. Instead of making a fuss, he wiped it away and gave Bokuto a reassuring smile. “You’re gonna do great.”

When Bokuto nodded, the door opened where Bokuto just emerged from. 

His bride had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I'm kris, and this is my first Ao3 work! I originally started this in July 2020 (it is now Jan 2021 (happy new year!)), but am now editing it to 3rd person bc I like it better anddd yeah haha. I hope this doesn't suck too bad and don't be afraid to give me feedback!
> 
> curious cat: shiijoh  
> anitwt: shiijoh  
> abt me!: shiijoh.carrd.co


	2. The Wedding Pt.1

The ceremony was beautiful. Parents and friends were crying along with the couple as they shared their vows. Every single one of their words was laced with their love for one another, jokes of their past together implemented throughout. Their eyes stayed trained on each other while their smiles stayed sincere.

One thought continued to pound Akaashi’s mind:  _ they’re truly infatuated with each other. _

How could Akaashi be upset when Bokuto was truly happy? Was he being selfish? Akaashi’s thoughts continued to rack his brain as the ceremony went on. He hadn’t even noticed that it was over until Hinata patted him on the shoulder.

“Akaashi, we can go now,” Hinata said. Akaashi blinked out of his thoughts and turned to him with a smile, nodding. Hinata looked concerned but didn’t say anything, smiling back.

It was time for photos, then the party.

  
  
  
  
  


As the night went on, Akaashi felt that everything was some twisted dream. He didn’t even remember what he said during his speech as Best Man, much less Bokuto’s reaction. 

Everything just…  _ hurt. _

Akaashi believed it was his fault for not telling Bokuto how he felt, after all. His fault for falling in love with his  _ straight _ best friend (at least as far as he knew, Bokuto never mentioned anything proving otherwise). How could he complain? Bokuto was happy. Even if Akaashi did tell him, he’d probably be—

“‘Ji!” Bokuto called for Akaashi. He turned his head to the groom as a bright smile was on his face, his wife beside him. As they walked towards Akaashi he nodded his head to acknowledge Bokuto’s wife, then turned his attention to Bokuto.

“Yes, Koutarou?” Akaashi asked, pausing. “Congrats on your marriage, by the way. The ceremony was beautiful,” He spoke more to the wife than to Bokuto himself. She let out a sheepish smile and nodded.

“Thank you.”

“Oh, Ji! I came over because I didn’t see you earlier. I wanted to say hi,” Bokuto explained, as energetic as ever.

“That’s because you were so busy getting married,” Akaashi chuckled. It felt like a needle through his chest, but it was true. “But hello.” 

Bokuto offered his signature smile and looked around briefly. “I’m really happy you’re here, Ji. You’re my best friend, without you here I probably would’ve freaked out.” His words hurt more than Akaashi thought they would. His eyes begin to sting.  _ Just best friend? _

“Kou, it’s time for the first dance,” Bokuto’s wife spoke up. He looked down at her, giving her the same smile he showed Akaashi. He nodded, then looked back to the latter.

“Well ‘Ji, dance time!” he said, and they turned around. As they walked away, Akaashi feet felt like they had been sewn to the ground. If he saw any more than this, he thought he’d really cry. Noticing he wasn’t following, Bokuto turned his head. He furrowed his eyebrows, “Ji, it’s over here!”

“I’ll be there in a second, I just need to go to the restroom,” Akaashi said, making an easy excuse. Bokuto made an “o” face and turned back around, walking away. 

Akaashi was selfish, after all. He couldn’t stop the pain inside his chest. He felt sick to his stomach every time he’d see Bokuto’s girlfriend-to-fiance-to-wife and thought he’d burst out in tears when they were together. Coming to the wedding was a mistake, even if Bokuto wanted him there.

Akaashi turned toward the restroom and walked away. 

As Akaashi made his way to the door, a tear slid down his cheek. His eyes felt like they were on fire. He’d spent the whole day holding himself back (both to prevent a worried Bokuto and the embarrassment), and now it physically hurt to do it any longer. When the person inside walked past him, Akaashi felt their gaze as he went inside. He didn’t care enough to look. He simply locked the door behind him and sat against the wall. 

With his knees to my chest, Akaashi stared at the tile floor. He had so many feelings to unbox he didn’t even know the proper reaction.  _ Do I sob? Do I scream? _ Akaashi felt so numb from the thoughts that he didn’t notice that he’d finally started crying until the tears puddled at his feet. 

_ Drip. Drip. _

Akaashi had no reason to be here now. Could he just make an excuse to leave? Could he leave with no excuse and apologize later? He couldn’t ruin Bokuto’s big day, so maybe leaving was the best option. Before he came to a conclusion, there was a knock at the door. Akaashi wiped his tears to the best of his ability and sat up. When he looked in the mirror, he winced. 

He looked like a wreck. 

Quickly—or, at least, as quickly as time would allow in his state—Akaashi splashed some water on his face, then looked again. His eyes were a little puffy and his face red, but maybe he could play it off as allergies.  _ Really _ bad allergies.  _ Allergies to Bokuto’s wife. _

Akaashi opened the door. “Sorry for making you wait,” he chuckled, keeping his head down. Before he could walk out, he bumped into whoever was next in line. When Akaashi went to apologize, the person’s expression stopped him. “Kenma?”

He looked concerned and before Akaashi could get the chance to speak, Kenma brought him back to the restroom and locked the door. He sat on the floor as Akaashi had before, and the latter followed.

“What’s wrong?” Kenma asked. He looked sympathetic towards Akaashi, all evident in his gaze.  _ He already knows. _

“It’s nothing. I just have bad allergies,” Akaashi tried to play it off, but Kenma’s face turned to a scold.

“Hinata came to me freaking out because he saw you crying coming into the restroom. That doesn’t happen with allergies.” Kenma stated plainly. Akaashi’s eyes widened, but then they settled.

“I wasn’t crying,” he muttered. “It was just a tear... or two.”

Kenma sighed, deciding to take the direct route. “But you started crying once you were in here alone, right?”

Akaashi didn’t respond. 

Kenma leaned his head against the wall and turned his gaze towards Akaashi. There was a moment of silence as he just stared as if looking for answers. “You still love him, huh?” Kenma spoke up as if that was his conclusion. The question caught Akaashi off-guard.  _ Was it that obvious? _

“I…” Akaashi started to speak, stopping himself instead. Accepting it was one thing, but admitting it was another. He pulled his knees to his chest and folded his arms. He then hid his face within them, basically as a toddler would. His next words were close to silent, “...yes.”

“Jesus, Akaashi,” Kenma said. The mentioned’s head darted upwards.  _ Was he… mad?  _ Before Akaashi could ask, he kept talking. “Akaashi... why are you here? It’s his wedding.” The words were harsh, but Akaashi knew he meant no ill-will. He was right, after all.

“I’m sorr-”

“You put yourself through all this because what? He asked you to?” Kenma asked. “You came to watch your best friend—who you’re in love with—get married, and are hiding off and bottling in all your feelings alone. You’re  _ torturing _ yourself.”

The words made Akaashi’s eyes widen, suddenly filled with tears. This  _ was _ torture. Akaashi was torturing himself because he loves Bokuto so much. Because turning this invitation down meant that Akaashi didn’t want to see him happy, even if it wasn’t with him. Akaashi brought his hands to his face. His eyes were  _ flowing _ , his hands getting wet. When Akaashi let out a shaky breath, a lump grew his my throat. He sobbed. 

“It hurts so bad.” Akaashi was a mess, and all his feelings were out on the table. Years of unrequited love were being released in this singular moment. “I just…” Akaashi tried to continue, but he couldn’t. He thought his chest would cave in.

“It’s okay, Akaashi,” Kenma tried to reassure him, rubbing my shoulder. “Let it out.”

The aforementioned let out another sob and grabbed at his hair. Akaashi was feeling so many emotions, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He needed something to ground him. "I’ve spent so many years… and I no longer have a chance…,” Akaashi spoke in broken sentences, letting out a shuddering breath. He let out a sad chuckle, “Not that I had one, to begin with.” Akaashi rubbed the tears on his cheeks. It was useless, though; they were replaced with new ones almost immediately. 

“Did you try?” Kenma asked, silencing Akaashi. He looked at him, astonished.

Akaashi retorted, a small curve showing on the outskirts of his lips. “Are you crazy?”

Kenma shrugged. “Worst comes to worst and what? He turns you down?”

“He never wants to talk to me?” Akaashi corrected, continuing, “He thinks I’m  _ disgusting _ ? He thinks-”

“But would Bokuto really do that to you?” 

Kenma’s question made Akaashi stop in his tracks. He was right, how could Akaashi make those assumptions about Bokuto? He’s known him for so long yet he went thinking things up that he knew Bokuto wasn’t capable of, especially not to Akaashi. 

“Plus,” Kenma continued, “wouldn’t confessing bring the burden off your shoulders? At least you’ll have an answer.” Akaashi thought Kenma was possibly too smart for his own good, nearly hugging him.

Instead, he chuckled. “I guess you’re right.” If Akaashi just told Bokuto, all his fears would disappear once he gets his answer. But such an easy solution doesn’t mean it was so easy to do. Plus it’s Bokuto’s wedding, it’s not like Akaashi could tell him now. “I’ll think it over.”

“Good.” Kenma replied. The two sat in silence for a moment longer. Then, there was a knock on the door.

“Kenma? You in there?” Kuroo’s muffled voice came from the other side. Kenma looked at Akaashi for a second, who nodded. As Akaashi wiped his tears, Kuroo walked in and the door shut behind him. Akaashi made eye contact with him and a wave of concern flashed over his face. “Akaashi…”

“I’m fine,” he stated, and Kuroo only nodded. 

He turned his attention to Kenma. “Well… Bokuto is looking for you two, especially Akaashi.” Kuroo glanced at him. “We better go.” 

Kenma looked at Akaashi who stood up, dusting off his pants. Akaashi took in a deep breath and sighed. “Well, there’s no helping it. It is his big day,” he smiled at the pair, genuine. Akaashi went to the sink and rinsed his face again, putting a splash of water on his suit.

“What are you doing?” Kenma asked.

“He’s going to ask what we were doing. I’m going to tell him I bumped into someone with a drink on the way here, and that it got on my suit and into my eye. Kenma, you saw it happen, then came with me to help.” Akaashi explained and Kenma nodded. He brushed past Kuroo and Kenma, quickly opening the door. “Let’s go.”

  
  
  
  
  


“Is your eyesight okay?” Bokuto asked, concerned. Akaashi gave him a gentle smile and nodded.

“I’m fine, Kou. I probably shouldn’t have rubbed my eyes so much, though. They kind of sting,” he chuckled. Bokuto frowned. In one swift motion, he took his handkerchief if dipped it into a nearby cup of (luckily) water, placing it on Akaashi eyes. 

“Does that feel better?” Bokuto asked.

“I…. uh…” Akaashi tried to reply, but couldn’t. The cool water did feel good, but he was more-so worried about his facial expression. His face was hot. Bokuto removed the handkerchief and looked at him.

He quirked his head. “It doesn’t?”

Akaashi chuckled, “It did, Kou. You just surprised me. Save that cute stuff for your wife.” He briefly paused after his comment, not meaning to say that out loud. Bokuto didn’t seem to mind, though, and laughed.

“Whatever, ‘Ji,” Bokuto patted his shoulder. Akaashi looked over to see Kenma staring. 

“Anyways,” Akaashi changed the conversation, “I seemed missed out on some of the fun, I could go for a drink. You, Kou?” Bokuto nodded.

“No need to fear, gents. I have the goods,” Kuroo cut in with perfect timing, shots in his hand. He handed one to each of them: Bokuto, Kenma, Akaashi, and then one for himself. Kuroo raised his glass in the air and all of them followed. “To Bokuto. Don’t have too much fun in the married life, okay?” He said and Bokuto let out a laugh. They all raised their glasses in accordance, clinking them against one another.

“To Bokuto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's (what should be) chapter one! I cut this chapter because it was getting lengthy, so chapter two should be coming soon. I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to leave me your thoughts (make sure to mention you're from 'heather'): https://curiouscat.qa/shiijoh


	3. The Wedding Pt.2

Plenty of drinks later and Akaashi can still tell up from down, but probably not left from right. Before he had realized it, he kept drinking what he was handed despite being a light-weight. Kenma was the same, so the pair were sitting wallflowers as everyone else was on the dance floor. Kuroo offered them water earlier which they took, but Akaashi still felt hazy. 

All he could do was stare at the dance floor and think of Bokuto and his wife who were in the middle.

“I still love him, Kenma,” Akaashi mumbled, leaning his head on Kenma’s shoulder. 

He was late to respond, leaning his head back on Akaashi’s. “I know.”

“Holding it in is making me feel sick. If I don’t tell him, I think I might die,” Akaashi complained. He was acting like a middle schooler, but he couldn’t help what he was feeling.

“Then tell him,” Kenma said, speaking as if the answer was simple.

Akaashi picked up his head. “You think?”

“We’ve been over this, Akaashi,” Kenma responded grumpily. He groaned and leaned his head against the wall. “I wanna go home, I have games to play.” 

“Okay, I’ll tell him right now.” Patting his cheeks with his hands, Akaashi tried to get himself to sober up some more. “No harm since his wife can go console him,” he said a little quieter, slightly bitter. “I’m going outside. Maybe the December air can wake me up.” Kenma nodded and Akaashi stood up, wobbling. He wasn’t quite a baby dear, but if he had drunk more he’d be well on his way to becoming one. Akaashi blinked his eyes to try and get rid of the haze. When it didn’t work, he huffed and made his way outside. 

The air hit Akaashi like a small child’s car. Not only had the weather let him down, but now he was chilly for no reason. Disappointed, he sat on the steps outside the venue. He went through all the effort to get out here, and now laziness was holding him back. The more time passed, the more Akaashi began to sober up. He didn’t know how long he had sat there; all he knew was that his suit wasn’t doing much to keep me warm now. Akaashi began shivering and finally stood up. He wasn’t quite sober, just enough to give him the courage to confess—maybe. Now if he could just get Bokuto—

“‘Ji? What’re you doing out here?” Bokuto’s voice spoke up.  _ How convenient. _ Akaashi turned around and looked at the top of the stairs to see Bokuto looking down at him. Akaashi thought it was like a movie: the December wind lightly blew at Bokuto’s styled hair, his suit making him look all the more charming.

“Speak of the devil,” Akaashi muttered under his breath, and Bokuto strolled down the stairs. Once he was standing in front of Akaashi, the latter’s breath caught in his throat.  _ Was this a bad idea? _ _   
_

“Are you okay? It’s cold, you shouldn’t be out here.” Bokuto’s face showed genuine concern, and Akaashi felt guilty.

“I’m fine,” he responded. He couldn’t meet his eyes with him. “Just getting air.” A large gust of wind hit them, and Akaashi shivered.  _ Now _ the wind wanted to do its thing? Bokuto didn’t respond, and instead, Akaashi heard some shuffling. When he looked up, Bokuto was taking off his jacket.

“You’ve been out here for too long, you’re going to catch a cold,” he said, putting the jacket around Akaashi’s shoulders. Even with something little like this, Akaashi felt his heart pound. 

“Why…” Akaashi muttered. he looked back down and clenched his fists at his side. Even when he’s getting married off, why does Akaashi hold these feelings? Why is he still so kind?  _ Why do I- _

“‘Ji?” Bokuto spoke up, closer. Akaashi could see his feet pointed towards him. It was quiet for a moment, but he spoke again, “Why what, ‘Ji? Is something wrong?”

Akaashi began to bite his lip to focus—his eyes were stinging again. He began fiddling with his fingers.

“Why am I so in love with you? That’s  _ why,  _ Kou, ” Akaashi mumbled, too quiet for Bokuto to hear. Another moment of silence passed, and Bokuto tugged on Akaashi’s wrist.

“‘Ji I can’t hear you. How about we go inside and just-”

“I asked why I was so in love with you, you idiot,” Akaashi practically yelled this time, lifting up his head. Tears had found their way back to his face, but Akaashi didn’t care. Bokuto’s eyes widened, jaw slacked. “Ah, I’ve done it now,” he chuckled, looking back down. Akaashi heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry-”

“Are you joking?” Bokuto asked. His words were laced with innocence and confusion.  _ He didn’t know?  _ “‘Ji I think you’ve had too much to drink, we should sober you up.” Akaashi felt a pit in his stomach. He felt so sick yet filled with rage at the same time.  _ He really didn’t know. _

Akaashi clenched his jaw, and whatever rationale he had left the table. “How clueless could you be,” he gritted, “Are you _ stupid _ ?” Akaashi didn’t know what he was saying. This isn’t what he wanted. Maybe he did drink too much. He couldn’t control his own mouth.

“Haha… what?” Bokuto let out a nervous chuckle. Akaashi looked back at him with furrowed eyebrows.  _ What am I, a child? _

“Do you really think I’d joke about something like that?” Akaashi asked. He was completely vulnerable—the fatal mix of anger and hurt pouring all at once. The tears never stopped, either. He had just stopped caring to wipe them. “ _ Why would I joke about something like that _ ,” Akaashi’s voice was more bitter, and Bokuto looked lost for an answer. He seemed to open his mouth, but the venue door opened.

“Hey Bokuto-san the cake is ready to be cut, we need you in here,” the intruder called. Akaashi turned my head away from Bokuto, who nodded to them.

“I’ll be there in a second.” The door closed, and Bokuto stepped closer to me. “‘Ji I have to go now, so we can talk about this when you’re feeling better, okay?” He offered and Akaashi scoffed. This was out of Akaashi’s character, but I couldn’t help it. He was angry, hurt, confused… so many emotions because Bokuto just  _ wouldn’t listen _ . He shrugged off the jacket and pressed it to Bokuto’s chest.

“I’m sorry, Koutarou,” Akaashi was curt with my response. When Bokuto grabbed it, Akaashi looked up to him and smiled. “It looks like I’ve made a mess at your wedding, huh?” he laughed, and Bokuto looked confused.

“‘Ji-”

Akaashi patted his shoulder, cutting him off. “It was just a joke. Looks like I really did have too much to drink,” he paused, turning away from Bokuto and the venue. “Sorry if I confused you or anything. I’m really glad to see you with someone who makes you happy.” Akaashi bit my lip and suppressed the lump in his throat. He needed to do damage control—he spoke too much.

“‘Ji where are you going? You’re leaving?” Bokuto sounded hurt. _ I really did screw this up. _

Akaashi quickly turned to Bokuto and smiled. “I think I just need some more air. I’m fine, really. Go cut your cake, it’s a big day after all. I’ll be back later,” he reassured him and Bokuto didn’t respond, but just nodded. His face held some sort of emotion, but the tears blurred Akaashi’s vision too much for him to see clearly. Quietly, Bokuto turned around and made his way up the stairs. He shimmied on his jacket and stopped at the door, turning his head. Akaashi gave him a small wave, and Bokuto turned and went inside. 

And then Akaashi left.

He really was a terrible person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading (:
> 
> This work is also posted on wattpad @/akaqshii


	4. Welcome Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is almost three years later!

Akaashi walked out of the airport and into the chilly air of Japan. It was getting to the end of the autumn months as November was slowly coming to a close, the weather threatening to show snow in the next few weeks. As he looked around he smiled; the sounds of bustling tourists and home-comers filling the air. 

Nearly three years ago he left this place, and now, he was finally back. 

The sound of Akaashi’s home-language surrounding him was comforting, contradictory to that of America. Although he was fluent in English, Akaashi easily preferred the familiarity of his Japanese routes. He was still happy he went, though; He had learned a lot there, and it proved to be a good distraction from what he seemed to be running from.

“Akaashi!” a familiar voice called out to him. When Akaashi turned towards it, he saw Kuroo waving at him. He walked towards him, Kuroo taking one of Akaashi’s two suitcases. Kuroo smiled. “Nice to see you’re back.”

“I’m glad I’m back,” Akaashi agreed, Kuroo motioning for him to follow. When they got to Kuroo’s car they both stuck Akaashi’s suitcases in the back along with the backpack he had on. They got into the respective sides of the car and when Kuroo started driving, he turned to Akaashi.

“Only two suitcases for three years of being away?”

“I didn’t leave with much, to begin with,” Akaashi chuckled, “Plus, I only brought back the important things I had there, some clothes, and souvenirs for my friends. Anything else I gave away or sold.” Kuroo nodded in understanding. Even Akaashi was surprised by how little he left with, too, but it’s not like he had much to pull from anyway. They continued with sporadic conversation until they arrived at Akaashi’s apartment building, Kuroo parking out front.

“I’m surprised you still managed to hold onto this place,” Kuroo said. He popped the trunk of his car and they grabbed the bags.

“Yeah the landlady and I have a pretty good relationship, so she let me keep it as long as she was allowed to rent it out while I was gone,” Akaashi explained, Kuroo humming with interest. When they pulled Akaashi’s luggage to his door, an envelope was stuck to it. _ Welcome Home, Akaashi-kun _ it read, written in the landlady’s handwriting. Akaashi smiled and took the envelope off the door, noticing it had a little weight to it. When he opened it, 2 keys sat inside: an original and a spare. He took one of them and unlocked the door, going inside. 

Inside were sporadic boxes of Akaashi’s belongings from three years ago along with his furniture. He had called the landlady a few days ago asking her to allow the movers to move his boxes in before he arrived, which she luckily allowed. All Akaashi felt like doing right now was sitting in his home—not going out on trips to get his stuff from storage. Kuroo and Akaashi placed his bags in the bedroom, and Akaashi plopped on his bed with a sigh.

“Are you gonna need help with these boxes too? I can try and convince Kenma to help, too,” Kuroo offered, and Akaashi shook his head.

“I can do it myself. Plus, I’m too lazy right now,” he chuckled. 

Kuroo nodded in understanding. “Well, then I guess I’ll take my leave. I can see myself out,” Kuroo said and Akaashi stood up. Before Kuroo left he looked at Akaashi and smiled. “Don’t be a stranger, Akaashi. We all miss you,” he said, and Akaashi smiled back.

“Okay. I won’t.”

  
  
  
  
  


“You’re back?!” Hinata yelled through the other side of the phone, and Akaashi winced at the volume.

“Yes, Hinata. I’m back,” Akaashi responded. Hinata let out a cheer of excitement and went quiet for a moment. Akaashi quickly became concerned. “Hinata?”

“KAGEYAMA, AKAASHI’S BACK,” Hinata yelled, clearly not next to the phone. The next few seconds were filled with bickering, and then eventually footsteps leading back to his phone. Once Hinata picked his phone back up, he sounded out of breath. “Okay, well, Bakeyama is busy right now so he can’t talk, but he told me to pass on his message of ‘hi, welcome back,” he said and Akaashi smiled, chuckling.

“Alrighty. Tell him I said thank you.”

“I will,” Hinata replied, then gasped. “We should have a welcome back dinner! We could invite everyone so we can all catch up!” His suggestion wasn’t a bad idea; Akaashi hadn’t spoken to everyone in a while and he did miss them. Plus, he could use some fun.

“Sure, sounds great.”

“Awesome! I’ll let everyone know. What days are you free?”

Akaashi smiled, he really did miss them. “Any time is fine with me, Hinata. Just message me and let me know.”

“Will do Akaashi! I’ll let you go now, see you soon!” 

“See you then, Hinata.”

Once the call ended, Akaashi laid back on his bed with a sigh. Would they be mad he didn’t keep in touch as he had said? Would they flood him with questions? What the States were like? Why he left so suddenly? Akaashi’s mind filled with thoughts, and he quickly became overwhelmed.  _ Was this the wrong choice? _ He asked himself.  _ Should I call Hinata back and call it off? Should I just not show up? What if— _

Akaashi’s thoughts were cut off by the brief buzzing of his phone.

**1 New Message**

**_Hinata:_ ** _ Tomorrow at 8:30? _

Akaashi typed out a quick response before he could dwindle on it any longer. Afterward, he threw his phone across the bed and laid to face the ceiling.

**_Akaashi:_ ** _ yes, that sounds great :) _

  
  
  
  
  


When Akaashi woke up the next morning, he was in the same position he was in after he had sent Hinata the text. Checking the time, Akaashi assumed all the traveling had taken a toll on his body. It was already half past 3 PM and Akaashi could only appreciate that he felt refreshed from all the sleeping. Getting up, he let out a yawn and stretched, wiping the sleep from his eyes afterward. He considered spending more time laying in bed, but the lingering buzz of anxiety reminded him that he had the dinner that night. Not only that, but Akaashi had unpacked exactly zero things since he had got there. Relaxing could wait until later that night once he had a few drinks in his system.

Walking to the living room, Akaashi took one of the many boxes scattering the space and ripped it open, revealing his kitchen supplies. He then took the box, dragged it into the kitchen, and began putting things away. He repeated the cycle until his stomach began to pester him with its growling, signaling for him to check the time. 6:30 PM. Akaashi had been unpacking for three hours with no food for the day, and his stomach was beginning to cramp. He had no food in his fridge or pantry yet, settling on making a quick trip to a konbini nearby. He could eat something that would hold him off until dinner.

After a brief walk, Akaashi walked in the konbini with the ring of the door’s entry bell. The cashier ushered a quick ‘welcome in,’ and Akaashi began walking around. He found the onigiri quickly, grabbing one that suited his taste, along with a drink. He then went to the check out counter and placed his things down before moving his attention to his phone.

“Is this all?” The cashier asked and Akaashi nodded. She began scanning the items, the space filling with silence. “Akaashi-kun?”

Akaashi looked up at the cashier, recognition flooding his face. The cashier was a lady that had been working at the konbini ever since Akaashi had moved into his apartment and they had engaged in friendly conversation often. She was a sweet old lady and had seen Akaashi at his best and most embarrassing times there, and a smile grew on his face. She mirrored it.

“Long time no see,” Akaashi said, giving a small bow. He glanced at the amount on the screen, pulling out his wallet before she waved her hand to stop him.

“This is on me, I haven’t seen you in so long! You used to come all the time then ‘poof!’ You disappeared!” She exclaimed with a smile and Akaashi chuckled. He pocketed his wallet.

“I went to America for a while, I just got back yesterday,” he briefly explained, glancing around, “I must admit I missed this place a bit.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re back! You’re such a good boy, I’m glad I’ll be seeing your face again.”

“I’m glad to be back and thank you” Akaashi chuckled, and the cashier bagged his items. She handed the Akaashi the bag briefly afterward and gave a wave.

“See you around Akaashi-kun!”

“I will, and thank you for the goodies,” Akaashi smiled, waving back before he left. Once he was outside again he opened his onigiri and began eating it, his stomach daring to come out and strangle him on its own. He let out a sound of satisfaction at the first bite, onigiri being one of the things he desperately missed while in America. Once he finished that, he worked on his juice, making it back inside his apartment.

Akaashi had a little less than an hour to get ready, settling for a quick shower beforehand. By the time he was ready, it was 8 PM, and Akaashi weighed his options on how to get there. The restaurant they were eating at was about a 15-minute walking distance, so he settled for that. Once he grabbed his necessities—those being his wallet, keys, and phone—he headed out the door.

  
  
  
  


Akaashi arrived at the restaurant at 8:20, wandering outside until he caught Hinata in the corner of his eyes, waving for his attention. Once he was spotted, Hinata walked over with a smile on his face, his vibrance infecting Akaashi as he smiled back.

“Akaashi, you’re here!” Hinata said, giddy.

“Did you guys wait long? Sorry, I decided to walk,” Akaashi apologized, and Hinata shook his head. He motioned for him to follow, and took Akaashi to the table.

“We all just got here, so there’s no worry,” Hinata reassured him, sitting down. “Also not everyone could come, but I hope the lot of us are okay.” At the table were Kuroo, Kenma, Oikawa, Kageyama, and Hinata, along with Akaashi. Hinata offered Akaashi the seat next to him (which he took) and Akaashi said his hellos to everyone. 

“Thank you all for coming. It’s been a long time,” Akaashi said, looking around the table. At the farthest spot from Akaashi was an empty chair, which piqued his interest. He looked to Hinata, a slight tilt to his head, “Are we missing someone?”

“Hey, guys. Sorry for keeping you waiting. My wife just got back from America and...” someone spoke up, gathering everyone’s attention as he rambled on. When Akaashi looked up, his eyes locked with the newcomer and he felt a sick feeling in his stomach.

It was Bokuto.


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I edit this? lol nope

It was only the beginning of the dinner and I had already begun zoning out, questioning whether coming here was a good idea. Doesn’t he hate me? Why is he here? Did they tell him that I was coming? Questions began to rack my brain as the conversations around me continued, muffled as I sat in thought. I hadn’t even noticed how long I was in my head until I received a pat on the shoulder.

“Hey, you okay?” Hinata grabbed my attention. My head turned towards him, who wore a worried look, and I smiled. 

I nodded my head. “Yeah. I think the jetlag is just getting to me,” I let out a small chuckle and he smiled back, turning his attention back towards the others at the table. I turned my attention there too, deciding to finally contribute to the conversation.

“So, Akaashi-san, how was America?” Oikawa asked, and everyone’s attention turned to me. My eyes widened at the sudden shift in attention, but I relaxed with a sigh.

“It was nice. The cultural shift was a little off-putting though, but I did my best to adjust,” I explained, and everyone nodded to show their engagement. A second of silence overlooked the table until I was questioned again.

“Why did you go, by the way?” Kageyama asked. He didn’t sound particularly interested in knowing, but it seemed like he asked for everyone’s benefit. 

I knew this question would come, but I didn’t necessarily want to talk about it. Rather, I would have preferred we dismissed it. “For a writing internship. I knew they had really good writing programs there so I went to get some experience,” I responded, telling  _ most  _ of the truth. To be honest I went before I was even surely accepted—I just wanted to get out. The thought made me feel off, and I began to play with my fingers out of habit.

“You were gone so fast!” Hinata perked up, looking at me. “One second you were in Japan and then BOOM you were in America!” He exclaimed, making everyone chuckle with his sound effects. I was about to give a response, but he continued. “It’s almost as if you were running awa- OW!” He was cut off suddenly, making many people at the table slightly confused. Across the table was Kenma, who was subtly glaring at him. As silence filled the table, I broke it with a soft chuckle.

“I did leave pretty fast, huh?” I said, trying to find a way to shift from the topic. “I guess I was just feeling pretty spontaneous at the time,” I said, locking eyes with Kenma. Both of us knew that wasn’t the case, but letting others know would cause troubles I had been avoiding—even more, cause me embarrassment. After all, how would I be able to admit that I ran away because I was hurt by my own one-sided love?

While the others began to start a new conversation, my eyes shifted over to Bokuto. Our eyes locked—either because he had been staring, or just by coincidence—and it made my eyes widen. While his face remained stoic, his eyes showed how he really felt. I could tell he was hurt by the conversation—possibly because of what Hinata had said—and that there was pain in his eyes. While everyone was told about my ‘trip,’ Bokuto was the only one I hadn’t informed. Maybe because I was scared, maybe because I didn’t want him to ask why—but for whatever reason, he didn’t know where I went nor for how long until I was already back here again. I began to feel guilty as we looked at one another, and I had to force myself to look away. Staring at him made me want to talk to him, to ask how he was,  _ to tell him I’m sorry _ —but I couldn’t. ‘No use crying over spilled milk,’ but it felt like the milk was rotting into my skin and flowing through my veins—and all I wanted to do was cry. I needed fresh air, a break from whatever emotions I was feeling. 

I quickly stood up. “I’m going to go outside for a smoke,” I excused myself, and some of them hummed in response. Someone mentioned food, and I hadn’t even noticed it arrived until I looked at the table again. _ I must be really out of it.  _ I ran a hand through my hair, and let out a sigh. “I’ll be back.”

When I got outside, my body got chills as the wind hit my face. Taking in a breath of the cool air, I leaned against the building and released it. The street wasn’t super busy, but you could still hear the commotion of whoever was around. I closed my eyes momentarily and allowed myself to relax in my surroundings, but it was shortly interrupted by the sound of a lighter.

“Keiji?” he spoke up, his voice piercing through my ears despite his soft tone. My head turned to the side, and I felt an ache in my chest.

“Hello, Bokuto-san.” My response seemed to slightly shock him, because his eyebrows raised then furrowed, before going back to their original place. 

“Oh, so we’re back to formalities now? I guess it has been a long time, huh,” he mumbled, sounding platonic. In his mouth was a lit cigarette that he held between two fingers, and he leaned back next to me. We stood in silence before he took a long drag of the cigarette, offering it to me. I watched him as he slowly released the smoke from his lungs, and I shook my head to decline.

“I don’t smoke.”

He let out a low chuckle. “But you left to say you were going to?” He said and I looked away. 

“Yes,” I replied. “I see that you picked up the habit, though.”

Bokuto laughed and smoke came out from both his mouth and nose, sighing before a response. “Yeah.. I did. The business life is a lot harder than I thought it’d be, it really does take a toll on you. Even the wedded one.” He said, and there was a string of silence. Some part of me wanted to ask what he meant, but I ignored it. Him acting normal around me now, after what happened… it felt wrong.

“Bokuto-san-”

“You know, Keiji,” he cut me off, pausing. I looked at him to continue, his eyes remaining ahead, “I’m glad Hinata gave me a call to come. I didn’t hear a word of or about you for three years, you know.” He stopped his ramble to let out another puff of smoke, continuing, “When he told me you finally were coming back to America I was surprised and relieved. ‘Oh, he was out of the country!’ I thought to myself. ‘I wonder why nobody told me until now.’ So many questions racked my brain, that I almost didn’t go. After all, so much time was passing without hearing anything from or about you, I honestly thought-” 

He stopped talking, and our silence was overlapped by bypassers on the street. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes, because I was scared of the emotion I might be met with. Instead, we both stayed in silence until his cigarette ran out, and he let out one final puff of smoke. As he went to dispose of it, I remained still. I felt frozen in place, that if I didn’t apologize or say something now he’d hate me—even if that was the easiest route.

Even though I wanted him to hate me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Bokuto walked up to me and gently placed a hand on my shoulder. His touch made me jump, and for a moment, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he rested his head on the hand that laid on my shoulder, and he let out a sigh. I could pick up on the lingering smell of cigarettes from his breath, along with the same scent he’s had all these years. It made me feel sick to my stomach and made me want to cry. Even with such a simple gesture, I wanted to turn back time and try again. I wanted to tell myself not to utter a single word about my feelings—to tell myself that being by his side as a friend was better than not being there at all. Because now I regretted telling him I loved him—and that I still love him now.

“Keiji...” Bokuto spoke up, and I held my breath. Even with one word, I could feel how heavy his emotions were in that moment—that this is what I caused.

“...I’m really glad that you’re alive."


	6. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited af. this one is pretty long though (2k words lol)... enjoy :*

“...I’m really glad that you’re alive.”

Bokuto’s words made my eyes widen, and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. His words rang through my head constantly, making a wave of guilt crash over me.

_ He thought I was dead? _

When his head raised from my shoulder his eyes locked with mine. Not until then could I notice the weariness beyond his eyes and how tired and almost  _ sick  _ he looked—and I couldn’t help but realize I was a part of the problem. Tears threatened to sting my eyes, and I was overwhelmed. Everything about him had become overwhelming—and I had done it to myself.

Bokuto removed his hand from my shoulder, standing in front of me quietly. I looked to the ground—if I stared at him my eyes would probably spring a leak—and traced the patterns in the concrete with my eyes. There was a suffocating silence between us, even in such an open area. So suffocating in fact, I was nearly dared to speak. I opened my mouth and raised my head.

“We should probably head back. They’re waiting for us and the food will get cold,” Bokuto spoke up, cutting me off unknowingly. I kept my eyes from his and nodded. I could see his small smile, right before he turned around to head inside, and I followed.

* * *

“So, Akaashi, anybody new on your radar?” Oikawa asked, a sly grin plastered on his face. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since I walked back inside; all I knew was everyone (including myself) was now intoxicated.

I gave a laugh, taking another sip of my drink. “No.”

“How lame,” Kuroo spoke up, giving a fake yawn. “You need to get out there. We’re not getting any younger, you know.” His statement made everyone at the table chuckle, and Hinata raised his glass.

“Here’s to... getting older,” he hiccuped—clearly lighter than many of us—and we raised our glasses in-suite, all cheering together.

“To getting older.”

* * *

More time passed, and our time together was coming to a close. Hinata laid drunkenly passed out on Kageyama’s shoulder, who was basking in it with a red glow across his face. Kenma was almost in the same state as Hinata, his eyes fluttering as he used Kuroo’s arm as a cushion. Bokuto and Kuroo, on the other hand, acted almost normal—being the good drinkers of the group. Oikawa was nearly a lost cause, and Iwaizume had already come to get him before he started asking to play college games such as kissing roulette.

I was somewhere in the middle, drinking in moderation as an effect of what happened 3 years ago. Although they weren’t shots, the taste of alcohol made me feel something bitter that was beyond the taste, although it made drowning my feelings much easier. Any time I would take a drink I’d think of what happened back then, then take a glance at Bokuto and be reminded of that moment. It was a bittersweet sensation; although the alcohol reminded me of the memories, it made it that much easier to drink more to forget them. I felt like I was beginning to gain a dangerous habit, something that’d hurt me in the future just as it had back then.

“-ji… Keiji,” Bokuto’s voice shook me, pulling me back to reality. I looked around me to see that everyone else at the table had left from how every many minutes ago; the only people left were us. I straightened myself in my seat, rubbing my face to try and get rid of the alcohol’s effect.

“Sorry.. I zoned out,” my words were harder to say than before, and a small slur tied between them. I was aware of the alcohol in my system and could control it if I wanted, but my energy was so low my body didn’t seem to reciprocate.

“Do you have a way home?” he asked, looking at me. He was still sitting across the table, and I shook my head.

“I’m just going to walk back,” I responded plainly, then got up from my seat. I needed a walk.

Bokuto followed. “By yourself? Are you sure?” He sounded concerned, but I honestly wanted to be alone—and definitely not with him.

“Yes, Bokuto-san,” I sighed. We made our way outside the restaurant, the cool air making me shiver.

“Can I come with you? I want to make sure you’re safe,” he pressed, and I rubbed my eyes. Alcohol made me more reactive, and I was getting slightly annoyed.

“I’ve gone home alone many times before,” I responded, my voice bitter. Bokuto visibly reacted to my tone, and let out a deep breath.

“Keiji, please. Just to your door,” Bokuto pleaded. I glanced at him and he looked genuine, bringing an unsolicited sting to my chest.  _ Just go home to your wife. _

“Whatever,” my response was curt. The alcohol was settling in more as we went on. I needed to go home. “Let’s go.”

Bokuto’s eyes beamed with temporary glee, and he nodded. I turned towards our destination and started walking, not paying any mind whether Bokuto was following or not. I felt the world around me go in and out of focus: I didn’t drink  _ that _ much… did I?

As my surroundings felt hazy I thought back to the last time I drank this much or more, my only memory being  _ that _ night. I had taken sips here and there at get-togethers with friends, but I could never handle more than that without the fear of making another mistake.

Why was this time different?

My mind paused when I seemed to have tripped mid-stride, nearly face-planting before an arm clasped around my waist. In that immediate moment, my stomach began to tingle, and my face turned red.

Did I  _ want _ this to happen?

Bokuto stood me back up and looked over me carefully. “Are you okay?” He asked, and I nodded. I kept my face turned away to hide my reaction, soon turning back to where I was before.

“We’re almost there.”

* * *

Once we made it to my house my ‘high’ was subsiding, and the streets were void of people. I walked up to my door and dug for my key, sticking it into the lock. Upon unlocking it, I turned to Bokuto.

“Do  _ you _ have a ride home?”

Bokuto gave a small chuckle, “Yes, Keiji.”

I bit the inside of my lip and nodded. There was a pause of silence, and I looked at him. 

“Who is it?” I asked. Although I didn’t want to know the answer, a part of me knew that I needed him to tell me.

“My… wife,” he answered carefully. It was clear he was apprehensive to answer, that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I nodded. “Will it take long?”

“Maybe 20 minutes or so.”

“Do you.. want to come in while you wait...?” My question took Bokuto by surprise, delaying his response, in which he nodded and smiled.

“Sure. Thank you.”

We stepped inside my apartment, and Bokuto looked around quietly. Putting my keys up, I then went to the kitchen. “Would you like some tea, Bokuto-san,” I offered. 

He turned to me with a smile, “Yes, please. Thank you.” I nodded in response and he continued to look around, then looking back to me with a sigh. “This place looks the exact same as it did when I was last here,” he said casually, which brought a pang to my chest. I tried to wave it off, pouring our drinks.

“I don’t change much,” I chuckled. I set the kettle back on the stove and walked over to Bokuto who leaned against my kitchen counter. “Here you go.”

“Thank you, Keiji,” he responded with a smile taking the cup from my hand. Our hands lightly grazed against each other, and I felt my face heat up, then mentally tsk-ed myself;  _ really, Keiji? _

Luckily, Bokuto didn’t catch my reaction, and instead casually leaned back onto the counter. I mirrored him in response, leaning against the island that stood across from him. We sat in silence for a moment, and I began to drink from my cup.

“Is that a new necklace?” Bokuto asked abruptly, and I brought my cup down from my lips to look at him. Bokuto was now a mere inches away from me, pulling at the piece of jewelry around my neck, and I flushed with red.

“I-” our proximity made me jump, and hot tea splashed both on my shirt and onto Bokuto’s hand, which he winced. My eyes widened and I quickly set the cup down to try and help him. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” I repeated, getting a wet rag and placing it on his hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”

Bokuto interrupted my banter with a laugh. I looked at him, confused.

“It’s fine, Keiji,” he responds casually as I pressed the rag on his hand. He sighed, “you really don’t change, huh?”

His statement took me aback for a second, and we stood in silence. Softly, Bokuto placed his hand over mine and removed it from his burnt hand. He looked at me carefully, then looked a little below my neck.

“Keiji you spilled some on yourself too, are you okay?” he asked, and I nodded absentmindedly. I was so worried about Bokuto I hadn’t even thought of the heat on the surface of my skin. Bokuto reached his hand out to me, placing it where it had spilled. “But it’s red.”

His touch made me tense up, and I took a quick intake of breath. This time my reaction didn’t go unnoticed, and he looked down at me. His face was void of emotion, then something seemed to flicker in his eyes. For a moment we stared at one another, my heart racing more than it already was before. Unable to bear with it, I turned my eyes away. The air was getting thick, it was getting hard to breathe.

“Bokuto-sa-”

“Keiji,” his voice was soft as he cut me off, and I sealed my mouth shut. I was afraid to look back at him… if I did-

His hand grazed the back of my neck, and I took another sharp intake of breath. In response, my eyes whipped over to him, and my face was now flushed with heat. His eyes were no longer trained on my own, but rather the space around them. His gaze went from my forehead to my chin, from my ears to my nose, from my neck to my lips, and he paused. His eyes flickered up to mine, and I didn’t respond. His hand shifted on my neck, and I felt something cold shift with it.

_ He’s married, Keiji. _

_ Happily...  _

_ Married. _

The touch of his ring against my skin made my body feel cold, and all the heat from before left in an instant. What was I expecting?  _ Why _ would I expect something? Why am I-

“ _ Disgusting _ ,” The word running through my mind escaped in a whisper. How could I do this? He has a ring on his finger—how could I have such  _ impure _ thoughts. My mind felt like it was on a rollercoaster, almost like it had in the past. I wanted to push him away, to scream out of frustration, to just do something to let it all out.

“Keiji?” Bokuto called me. His voice was still soft, and it sounded worried.

I bit the inside of my lip, suppressing an oncoming quiver. “What.”

“Why are you crying?”

His response made me furrow my eyebrows. What do you mean crying? Why would I be-

Another tear dropped to the floor, and I widened my eyes. Since when was I crying?

“Keiji-”

Bokuto’s phone interrupted him with a buzz, and the room filled with silence. When it buzzed again, I looked at him. 

“It can wait,” he answered my unspoken question, and I shook my head. I walked away from him and back to my cup of tea, wiping my eyes in the process.

“Your wife is waiting for you outside, Bokuto-san,” I said calmly, and he didn’t respond. Instead, he walked to the front door and opened it.

“Thank you, Keiji.”

And with that, he left.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to tell me your thoughts on this book (make sure to mention you're a reader from 'heather') https://curiouscat.qa/shiijoh
> 
> My ani-twt is shiijoh if you'd like to become mutuals !!  
> Learn more about me and check out my comms !! shiijoh.carrd.co


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